The Money Pit Quotes

Walter: Ahh, home crap home!

Walter: Mozart? Mozart is dead, his problems are over, help ME!

Walter: What has Max got that I haven't got?
Anna: Walls.

Anna: That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
Walter: I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in you life.
Anna: You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
Walter: Thank goodness it's not that often.

Walter: Stairs! Ha! A Staircase! We have stairs! Oh, hello, Mr. Stairs. I've missed you.

Walter: I'm not trying to tell you your business but you haven't even looked at my pipes.
Brad Shirk: I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?

Walter: You know what this is? This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.
Anna: What?
Walter: Yeah! You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be "wrong" with it - otherwise everyone else would be on it - so you waste three hours!
Anna: I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.

Water Fielding: Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter? Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber!
Anna Crowley: Really? A brother who's a plumber?
Water Fielding: I think so.
Anna Crowley: Do you think I should sleep with him?
Water Fielding: Maybe just this once.

Walter Fielding: Just because they showed up to collect the money, is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work... and if they do... I can't pay for it!

Walter: Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon. What can I say? My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital. Well, what would cut any ice with you? A bribe? Sure, can you be here in a half an hour? All right. Cash, no problem.

Anna: This is my house, too. I want to help.
Walter: Do you have a gun?

Walter: Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!

Art Shirk: Usually when a women calls a carpenter, she want the old hammer and nail.


Walter: Jack can help us.
Anna: Isn't Jack in jail?
Walter: No. No, he got off with a small fine. Jack's a perfectly legitimate real estate agent.

Jack: The point is: You get to capitalize on a fellow human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate.

Max: What do you mean "no"? Why not?
Anna: I love Walter.
Max: "Walter"? What Walter?
Anna: Oh, Max, you know exactly what Walter.
Max: Don't be ridiculous. He's not even a musician.
Anna: Many people aren't.

Owner: Goddamn bloodsucking lawyers are bleeding me dry.

Anna: I'm putting in half the money, or I'm not going in.
Walter: Great!
Anna: I thought you'd give me an argument.
Walter: If I had any money, I would.

Walter: What the hell was that?
Anna: All I did was
turn on the water.

Walter: The land, at least, has got to be worth something.

Mattress Guy: Hey, buddy, did you really buy this house?

Walter: In spite of all the problems...
In spite of the prospect of indentured
servitude for the rest of my life, in debt beyond
my wildest dreams...I love the house.
Anna: So do I.
Walter: And I love you.

Walter: We have very weak trees.

Walter: Little problem in the kitchen. Nothing trivial.

Contractor: I'm from Shirk Brothers. Your number came up in the drawing this morning. We work today!

Anna: Max, I'm desperate. I need money. I need new plumbing. I need new appliances. A new staircase, Max.
Max: Stop, please. Too boring.
Anna: Plastering, landscaping, painting, a roof.
Max: Too middle class. Stop.

Contractor: The permit man was pretty agitated. Really steamed his clams. Said he'd be back when you grow udders and get milked.
Walter: That's a long time.

Walter: Honey, we're living in Swiss cheese with a door.

Walter: You hear about that guy up in the Bronx, went crazy, thought he was a pigeon? They found him in the park throwing bread crumbs at himself. He was just putting in a guest bathroom.


Anna: What have we done? Oh, my God!
Max: Calm down. You were a little looped. You sang a few songs.
Anna: The Beatles?
Max: The entire catalogue.
Anna: What else?
Max: You don't remember? It was duck for dinner. Followed by crepe Suzettes.
Anna: I don't remember the crepe Suzettes.
Max: You don't remember the piano?
Anna: No.
Max: Under the piano?
Anna: I don't wanna hear any more.
Max: It was incredible. Better than Zurich.
Anna: Zurich?
Max: The police came. You don't remember any of this?
Anna: Oh, no.


Walter: Did you sleep with him?
Anna: I hope you don't mind. Of course, we can't go back
to the Four Seasons again.

Walter: I do not wish to discuss
my domestic difficulties with you, Julio.

Anna: He couldn't forgive me,
and I can't forgive him for that.

Max: Do you realize what you've done? You've taken
a woman who loves you...One of the great women
on the face of this Earth and thrown her away.
I've lost her too, but I'll get over it
because I am shallow and self-centred.
But you, you won't
because you are complex.
You will suffer terrible anguish
for the rest of your life.


Driver: They testing missiles here?

Max: Can I speak frankly?
Anna: Anything is possible.

Walter: Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him.