Eddie Izzard Quotes

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."

"What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"

"So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard."

"Never put a sock in a toaster."

"Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But, performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance."

"I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree than prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die."

"You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

"You piss me off, you Salmon! You're too expensive in restaurants."

"I'm a one-man idiot."

"Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, 'Raar-ra-ra-yum-yum-yum.' And occasionally they stop and they go, as if they're going, 'Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!'"

"If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! End of your life!"

"Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est … est … le singe est disparu!!!"

"I have wiped the file? I have wiped all the files? I have wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!"